I’ve been a bit out of touch from my blog the past week or so. I haven’t posted much, or read other blogs, or even left inappropriate comments on my friends blogs. I am going to post a longer rambling stream of thoughts to make up for this lack. By the time you’re done with reading this you’ll wish I had continued my blog silence.
Also, keep in mind I am typing this from a groggy stupor after a horrible weekend in which copious amounts of coffee were ingested followed by sleep inducing pain relievers. So if it makes no sense at all, it’s not my fault.
And another thing, I’m using my new speech recognition software to type this, errr, speak this entire blog post as practice. for example, my cat just clawed the shit out of me, and the software typed my response as “howl howl howl you little Fokker.” which should be the name of the new song I write. Apparently, I suck at punctuation and grammar while speaking to a machine. Please feel free to laugh at my expense. I will let you know how this experiment in speech recognition software goes. So far it’s hilarious.
Okay back to the subject at hand…
Mostly, my absence is due to life stress. And because I tried to maintain an optimistic vibe on this blog, I decided to step back and not post terrible poems about how down I’ve been feeling.
But in true lizzard fashion I am bouncing back more optimistic than ever.
As the over analyzer I am, I have evaluated where I am now compared to where I’ve been every year since my brother’s death. Which is the trigger for my holiday induced blues syndrome. I realized how much I’ve healed in the past 12 years. Yes, I still get down. But what human doesn’t miss their loved ones during this time of year?
I have so much to look forward to these days. Even the unforeseen obstacles popping up all around me cannot thwart my plans to move to Austin in the springtime. This has been my motivation for everything. I am so excited. I see a bright future. I’m still being called to Austin, Texas by some greater power. A few weeks of downtime cannot sideline me charging headlong toward my destiny.
I started out this month doing NaNoWriMo. I am ending this month having not made my goal. But I did not lose. I did not fail. I have gained perspective. I have written a lot of words. They may not all be for the same story. But I am an overwhelming success because I have consistently been writing and arting. Let’s keep sight of the positive things November 2012 has given me…
During all of this pondering and realizing, I had a terrible weekend at work. And by terrible, I mean excruciatingly stressful. Not just for me, for my patients. In fact, I cried myself to sleep yesterday.
When the energy of chaos descends upon an Alzheimer’s ward, you start to see the interconnectivity of all humans. Similar to watching wild kingdom, when danger is sensed the entire herd begins to react. This was what my weekend was like. I was behind locked doors with 50 caged animals all seeing things from the supernatural world.
Let me take this time to tell you about a common phenomenon among the medical world. There is an entity that many patients, nurses and a few doctors see. Most call him the man in black or the shadow man. He shows up when someone is ready to cross over to the other side. He is seen by random people usually as a shadow.
This weekend he was seen all over the building I work in. We did have one death in the building. But for some reason he decided to a pay visit to many other patients. Because of his presence in the building, the stress level of my residents was raised. I have one resident who sees this shadow man as a “little dead boy” in her bathroom. Most described him in the exact same way, wearing dark cloths, a large brimmed hat, and just standing near a doorway or an exit. They all see him as a male entity. And talk about him as if he were just another person standing in the hallway chit catting with them.
This phenomenon confirms my long-standing belief in the supernatural world, which we have discussed in previous posts. There are so many things that we do not understand or cannot see that must exist. I do not see the shadow man as a bad person or evil. He is just a being doing his job. I do not get the sense that he is there to cause fear. And the elderly people that see him do not give me reason to think he is trying to instill fear. I think he is just there to get people where they need to go on the next part of their journey.
No matter what state of mind I am in, how blue I get, how much stress I feel, I still live a very fortunate life. Although I have health concerns I still have my health. My wealth is in the form of beautiful friendships, a loving family, and an endless stream of creativity from within myself. And every day I gained new wisdom because I refuse to repeat the past relive the past or stay stuck in the past.
Having the shadow man appear in the beginning part of my winter blues far reminds me of when I saw him myself, taking my brother to the next phase of existence. His lesson to me this week was to let go of the pain and loneliness in order to create new memories of the holidays. Create a source of happiness around this time of year. His other lesson, write an amazing short story about the shadow man on an Alzheimer’s ward one night when all hell breaks loose. Well, the short story will be a true story of this weekend.
Now that you know where I’ve been, I will once again begin posting pictures of the art I’ve created, the El Rey Pulpo jewelry I’ve sculpted, and a poem about Oreo cookies.